I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
