The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
