Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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