wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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