i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
