I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
