nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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