Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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