I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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