Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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