Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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