I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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