Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
