she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
