hotel room ftw
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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