I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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