She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
