When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
