um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
