Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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