So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
