my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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