morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
