we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Randomize
