ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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