areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
