I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
