They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
