So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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