Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
