Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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