Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
smell my finger.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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