Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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