so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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