After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
