the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
