Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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