You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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