I showed him my bush... on skype.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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