the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
