why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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