Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
