she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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