I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
