I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
