the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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