I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
