What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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