nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
