i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
