So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
